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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24027094">cyclic</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/longingforaseance/pseuds/longingforaseance'>longingforaseance</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drug Warning, Emetophobia, F/F, also literally do not know if this makes sense i have schizophrenia &lt;3 good luck girlies, also rosalie is a homophobic queen in this. yes shes gay and homophobic, eating disorder warning, literally do not read this if u love twilight for what it is this is very anti-edward LOL, slight rosalie/bella if u squint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:26:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24027094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/longingforaseance/pseuds/longingforaseance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>how bella copes with immortality and a failing marriage.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rosalie Hale/Bella Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>cyclic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i literally do not know how vampire biology works nor do i care to know &lt;3</p>
<p>tw: for binge eating disorder, drug abuse, overdosing, etc etc</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This was her eleventh prom. They all blurred, no moment holding anything past we did this and then that and then went home. Going now was starting to get weird. Technically in her sixties, Bella felt her real age in the sea of teenagers in the rented out hotel conference room. At least they had something to look forward to after this.</p>
<p>It all seemed very pointless. What’s the pleasure of repeating adolescence over and over in isolation? Loathing teenagers for just being teenagers? Bella missed the minutiae of her human life and friends. Everything mattered. Nothing was passed by in a lifeless smile, she thought of every pressing matter she’d try to spin at the Cullens. <em>That can be dealt with later, you have forever.</em></p>
<p>She grew tired. Everyday felt like hitting the wall. Perfection and infinity brought back the feelings of nausea. Bella grinned, the way you would when you burn a cigarette into your arm- <em>it</em> <em>hurt</em>, but you could feel something. </p>
<p>Edward nudged her at the sight of her grin, wondering why the sudden show of emotion. “Nothing, I just love you.” Bella lied through her teeth. Edward smirked, grabbing her lifeless hand and squeezing. It was amazing he was so old yet so fucking stupid, she could feed him the same cheesy lines and he’d relish in them, thinking she was just too dumb to move past being a teenager.</p>
<p>Him not being able to read her mind was a godsend. Slowly her anger at him festered, years of maturing facing her with the fact what happened forty years ago was wrong. She was a child. She tried to imagine pursuing any of the dancing kids around her but it made her feel dirty. She held so much above them, there was no way for any of them to survive that emotionally or physically. </p>
<p>Bella spotted Renesmee in the corner, her wide skirt flopping as she danced with a girl, the same girl who she insisted was a friend for the past 3 years. Bella scolded her plenty, saying it was cruel to play that girl like that when Renesmee and the rest of them were temporary. The whole family would disappear from this town in a few months, Renesmee forgotten and Renesmee forgetting this girl too, though in a different, harsher way. But she understood how Renesmee caved in. She wishes she had the guts to even indulge in that.</p>
<p>Renesmee was different than her mother. Bella was more than thankful for that. </p>
<p>Edward grabs Bella’s thigh, leaning over to whisper, “Alice wants to dance with you,” The whole interaction felt hollow. <em>We’re fucking immortal with superpowers and we’re using them to play out high school forever</em>. </p>
<p>“Tell her I will after this song.” Bella subsides to it, it wasn’t too bad. Being around Alice was a 50/50 chance of having a decent time, but she played space cadet so much these days it felt like talking to a brick wall. There was moments where Alice looked sullen. Her eyes would glaze over, shoulder slumped, and mouth flat. <em>Forever meant forever, huh? And with Jasper? </em></p>
<p>Knowing him was unbearable enough. Bella couldn’t figure out how Alice loved him. He barely existed, no passions or branching out. When he did bother to be a person it wasn’t much better. He’d freely talk about war stories, the way a dementia eaten grandpa would, like it wasn’t revolting he was killing and fighting on the side for white supremacy. You’d think the now vegetarian reforms would lock that away in shame but the guys would laugh around him, grinning in delight at stories of violence and power.</p>
<p>Alice was standing in the corner with Jasper around her arm, sipping on the spiked punch. She watched the room like a lethargic fat cat, there wasn’t much going on in there and she might as well go back to sleep. Bella felt a twinge of guilt and knew her asking for a dance was a bandaid for tonight.</p>
<p>Rosalie and Emmett were sitting down at one of the tables, pretending to eat and drink, Bella could hear their small talk that was laced with some malice. </p>
<p>They were immortal and beautiful and wealthy and not a single one of them was happy. </p>
<p>Bella understood Rosalie’s vitriol now. Nights were spent chain-smoking on her balcony, the action pointless but self soothing, the two bitterly complaining about the situation. Rosalie was a serial cheater. And a gambler. Every week long solo hunting trip was in reality a two day hunt, then three day bender.</p>
<p>Emmett wasn’t fucking her. Bella remembered the night Rosalie had confessed it. </p>
<p>“He’s fucking gay as a Christmas tree.” Rosalie spat out, taking another puff off her painfully on brand menthol Pall Mall’s. “And another thing, selfish. He takes those two week man trips to go to get his goddamn back blown out and everyone knows it, everyone fucking knows he’s going to clubs and fucking like a twenty-five year old and risking killing humans and they still welcome him with open arms. But if they knew I so dared to go out to Vegas for half a week they’d flay me wide open.” </p>
<p>Bella couldn’t help but feel a little stupid, everyone knew that but her once again.</p>
<p>“I’d never known that.” Bella whispers, distracted. “It’s not your fault. It’s like you’re still eighteen to them, like Edward still has to set up a trap to keep you here.” “I don’t know…” “You’re miserable because of him. We all know that too. Except him. Dumb as a fucking doorknob,” Rosalie huffed. </p>
<p>Bella tried to respond but no sound came out. Tears filled her eyes. Rosalie turned, waiting on Bella to say something but upon seeing Bella crying she flicked her cigarette away, focusing entirely on Bella. </p>
<p>“Come with me to Vegas. You don’t need to simmer in all of this always.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So Bella did. They hunted like normal, still chatting and having their usual banter. Being around Rosalie felt like Bella could breathe and talk above a whisper and run where she wanted to run. There was no Edward to hold her hostage, no Renesmee to remind her of her failures and waste, no stiff family watching her like she was a disobedient dog ready to strike. </p>
<p>When they had finished hunting they hiked their way back into the city heading towards a busy coffee house, Rosalie scheduling a rental car on her phone.</p>
<p>“Why not just bring your baby out here?” Bella questioned once Rosalie hung up. “They’ll smell the booze and men in the car.” Bella felt a little silly not connecting the dots but Rosalie didn’t chide her. “You know these are benders right?” She cocked her head, brows furrowing. “Yeah.” Bella lied, trying to seem bored. </p>
<p>Rosalie grinned to herself, Bella’s naivety and desire to seem casual about the most dangerous things never failed to make her amused. </p>
<p>“You don’t gotta do anything, Bell. I just took you along so you could get away from everything.”</p>
<p>The two chatted about small things until the car came, Bella felt human again in moments like this, Rosalie would smirk or laugh and she remembered how alluring and magical Rosalie seemed to her. Immortality felt like it was her destiny, Rosalie’s chiding and warning couldn’t be true, not when Bella was surely willingly surrendering. That felt so far away now.</p>
<p>The second they both packed their bags into the car and got in Rosalie suddenly shifted into checked out and borderline unhinged. They all drove so piss poor but Rosalie was gunning it and swerving sometimes, blaring music and singing. It felt cliche and childish but this was the only time to indulge any of this. Bella had to remember Rosalie was 18 when everything was taken away. </p>
<p>“I need you to know what I do could scare you.” Rosalie informed Bella as they came to a stop from construction. “Driving?” Bella asked. “What? No, oh fuck you,” She snorted once she connected that together, “I’m not going to die. I don’t need you to panic and save me.” </p>
<p>“What do you do?” Bella couldn’t look at her. “I take as much as I can until it hurts.” “What do you take?” “Anything I can get here. It’s not hard to get pills or some coke.” Bella tried to nod at this. “You’re not required to do any of that.” “Okay.”</p>
<p>It was too much for Bella. She wasn’t as dramatic. Rosalie sighed, looking both ways like someone could hear her, “You could binge though.”</p>
<p>“The food rots in you until you do something about it, shoving your finger down your throat,” She explained, “It feels horrible, tastes horrible, you can’t go around humans. They smell the rot. But technically that’s what your body should be doing already, y’know?” She chuckled, proud of that connection. “Then when you throw it all up it’s rancid. Black, molding. It’s terrible. Otherwise I say just fuck your brains out with all the business men here. Some of them give me money.” </p>
<p>“Isn’t that bulimia?” “What else is gonna fix it?”</p>
<p>The rest of the drive was quiet, they quickly checked into their room and threw their bags in, changing from their hunting clothes, Rosalie getting noticeably ready for a night out. Bella watched apathetically, laying in one of the beds, eyes shifting back to some documentary on art history.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna go down to the casino.” Rosalie sniffed harshly, focused on the mirror, fixing her lipstick. “I’ll be back later.” She looked back at Bella for a moment but Bella couldn’t see anything past her glazed over eyes, Rosalie might as well had left hours ago.</p>
<p>Bella was alone. She could hear all the rooms neighboring her, a couple planning a pool visit, a family eating dinner. Every noise festered and nagged, she wanted to run out into the hallway, bang on the doors, beg for anyone to let her crawl inside their life so she didn’t have to live hers. </p>
<p>So Bella ate. She grabbed the room service pamphlet and ordered, trying to sound casual and buoyant. Soon it arrived, the worker pulling in a cart, Bella tipping him and sending him off. She sighed, she was completely alone and finally allowed to self destruct.</p>
<p>Bella felt tears pour out while she ate, she remembered dinners with Charlie and her mom, going out with friends, holidays, she remembered getting sick and dreaming and feeling warm. Hundreds of dollars on food just to feel it rot inside of herself, a small death. One she could just barely reach. Bella sobbed, curling up in the fetal position in bed. She wanted to sleep, she mimed it pointlessly, squeezing her eyes shut till it hurt, staying still until she heard the door swing open, heels awkwardly stumbling in. </p>
<p>Rosalie had obviously just fucked someone, she sniffled loudly as she opened the door. Her hair was ratted and eyes watering, marks on her neck. Bella stayed silent, watching as Rosalie trampled in, opening up her purse, nearly tripping as she did. She ripped the top off of the orange bottle and grabbed the whiskey that still sat in the ice bucket, busting the lid off. </p>
<p>Quickly she poured half of the pill bottle into her hand, Bella squinting for a split second to see white split circles- vicodin. Rosalie gingerly slammed them into her mouth, chugging all of the whiskey and then throwing the bottle at the wall, smashing most of it.</p>
<p>Normally Bella would flinch and cower, anger at home with Edward was a direct threat but she knew Rosalie wasn’t angry with her. Rosalie was pissed off about herself. </p>
<p>She fell onto the small loveseat in front of the beds, grabbing the remote and channel surfing. In moments she’d be overdosing without dying. Her body allowing her to get high through live blood but never, ever letting her completely free. Rosalie loved the motions of it all, feeling something so very wrong, vomiting and sobbing, screaming in pain, trying so hard to die but falling short just to do it all again.</p>
<p>Bella laid motionless on the bed, every millisecond felt as food wasted in her. She watched Rosalie start to convulse and puke. Mutual suffering and purging. This was every bender. Every few weeks they tried to die. </p>
<p>“Nessie thinks you look miserable,” Edward pulled Bella from her memories, putting his hand over hers, beaming at her, Bella mimicking it back with no emotion.</p>
<p>“She always does.” Bella laughs. </p>
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